In the days leading up to the Full Moon in Libra, I spent a lot of time thinking about the number of personal titles I hold. I spent time thinking about each title, the relationship it calls forth and my presence within that relationship. The balance of it all.
My reason for thinking about such, is of course, because that was the energy that was building in the ethers. But, also because in the space left from my husband’s deployment, I now was summing up all of my energy to keep life in order (Moon was in Virgo). I felt like I needed order, so that I could feel a sense of balance (the Libra Full Moon that was to come), even while he is not home with us.
In all honesty, though, the tug of all my different roles, and feeling like I was doing it alone, was making me feel ungrounded in mind, body and spirit. I felt completely scattered and, real life, pretty exhausted. I felt like ALL I was able to “be” WAS the surface level of what was needed. All I WAS being was the “title” to most to my relationships. And so, not only was I feeling a sense of depthlessness, but guilt as well. And within a day, I went from questioning the balance of all my relationships to straight up annoyed with myself; totally bothered at my seeming inability to be organized enough show up WHOLLY, with intense focus for a length of time. (Meet me, Scorpio Sun and rising- I live for depth and intensity, and when neither is present, I’m yeah, irked).
In my head, I kept replaying the days I spent with Edyn in the hospital last October, just after her birth. With Rob (my husband) leaving just a day after her birth, the following days of hospital time were spent with mostly just her and I. The two of us, doing nothing more than BEING with one another. I literally can feel the warmth of her tiny body in my arms, the dampness of the room, the hum, the vibration, the weight of my physical body, her deep stare, the light that was radiating off of us. Her cries and snuggles into my chest. The intensity and beauty of us. Completely and 100% present.
I kept replaying those days in my head because I was (and probably always will be) missing the concentration of them. The fact that I had NO other role to be, other than Edyn’s Mama.
And so, I went on with this irked feeling for a good two days. I tried to work it out through my daily rituals, yoga and meditation. But every time I finished, I realized that even though I felt better, I now had less time to BE there for my numerous titles: for my incredible title of Mama, loving wife, Co-Creator of our Moonlit Tribe, giving member of our family, friend to my friends, content creator to our family business,… the list goes on.
Really, no matter what I was choosing to do, I was feeling guilty for not doing something else. I mean real life, no title is more important to me than that of Mama. Yet, even though I FEEL that importance, and take action with her as my highest priority, I still felt guilty when I didn’t have enough time in my day to deeply focus on the other titles I need to be. I mean, I AM responsible for them. And I always want to give everything my intense focus.
So, as I went to bed that second night before the Full Moon, I spent time in prayer. I looked up towards the sky, and instead of asking our Almighty Universe to guide me, to show me the way forward… I ended up spending the entire time in giving thanks. It just came out like a waterfall. I gave my great thanks to all the beauty in my life. I gave thanks for the reception of all of my prayers and for the growth I have experienced. I gave thanks for the fact that even when I feel scattered, I actually stand on steady ground. I gave thanks and gratitude for all the titles I GET to be. I mean I literally GET to love Edyn and be her Mama. I GET to be in love and partnership with my soul mate. I GET to write this blog piece- to share the beauty and flow of my ever changing life. I GET to have a family to lean in on and to support all the same. I GET to see that gratitude is what unlocks the beauty of this FULL phase of my life. For after all, that is also something I GET to experience- phases.
Like the Moon, in all her glory, I get to move through phases; to sprout new dreams, to work towards them, to harvest them, to share gratitude, to release what I don’t need and then in the end, to surrender to it all. I GET to evolve.
And so, because I know that the majority of you reading this have hundreds of titles yourselves, and busy lives worth leading… I leave this post to you.
Take this, as I did…as a reminder that one of the greatest lessons Mother Moon teaches us is that life is ever changing, and moves in phases WITHIN even greater phases. She teaches us that once we step into an understanding of that bigger picture, we can’t help but to feel gratitude for all that we are and experience. And it is gratitude that leads us to the intense light that we wish to both see and BE. So, let us each BE.